Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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