forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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