did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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