apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
