Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
