Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
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