all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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