Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
