Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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