also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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