I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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