I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
