OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
there's paper in my vomit.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
