Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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