I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
