I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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