I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
