Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Your penis caused this!
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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