My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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