My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
