there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
