look no pants
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
