i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize