how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
