Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So much Jack, so little girl.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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