I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
