it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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