Will you blow on my dice?
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
