We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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