I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
