The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
did you just send me my own nude
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
