I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
