i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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