Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
