I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I could make wine with my vomit
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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