New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
