He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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