I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
