if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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