Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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