he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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