Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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