I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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