i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
