I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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