If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
