There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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