wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
