I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Fuck appropriateness.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
