Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
