yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
