it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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