sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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