final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
