Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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