I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
