life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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