I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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