I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
