erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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