I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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