I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
