I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
